THINGS THAT FEEL LESS FUTILE TO ROGER CLEMENS THAN TRYING TO INCREASE HIS WIN RECORD
Trying to cram his entire body inside a pint glass.
Betting the Royals money line.
Attempting to find the inner meaning behind “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
Explaining to Steinbrenner that names don’t guarantee titles.
Going out for a night on the town with Wells and Giambi and swearing he won’t end up consuming alcohol or getting a lap dance.
Trying to start a new Expos franchise from scratch.
Uttering the phrase, “Chan Ho’s got this one in the bag” with a straight face.
Trying to team up Milton Bradley and Jeff Kent for a duet of “Ebony and Ivory.”
Believing Raffy if he said he had chicken for dinner the other night.
Trying to follow what the #%$& was going on during R.Kelly’s performance at the MTV VMA’s.
Attempting a full fifteen minute cell phone conversation without the signal getting dropped once.
Ordering a “Decaf White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino light blended coffee, extra whipped cream,” without feeling entirely girly.
Coaxing a smile outta Barry.
Finding an area of the strike zone that Vladdy can’t hit.
Coming up with three good Demi Moore performances.
Getting Mike Martz to just call a run up the middle on 3rd on 1.
Convincing himself Kerry Wood really, truly, absolutely is back from injury this time.
Trying to spread Devil Ray fever.
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